Addiction and the Family

Addiction and the Silent Sufferers

Addiction affects the individual in a profound way, but for every person with a substance use issue, there are several others around them who are being impacted. Family resources are often poured into the personal struggling, leaving spouses, children or sibling’s needs unmet. The good news is that people and families can recover. The first step in change is admitting that there is a problem.

The ripple effect of addiction, can be seen over multiple generations. Not all addictive tendencies express themselves through substance abuse. They can express through codependency, shopping, food, gambling, and other pleasure seeking/pain avoidance techniques.

Addiction starts with an abusable and/or pleasurable substance or behavior. However, even long after the substance is removed it can continue to plague the individual and family. Keep reading for ways addiction presents within a family system.

Addiction is commonly referred to as a disease. I think of it more like a parasite that attaches to a host. It begins to influence and change the person’s personality, thoughts, and behaviors. Addiction even begins to influence and change the people around it.

It slowly creeps into the family system, one secret, one lie, and one thought at a time. Addiction is described by some, as having three parts: a mental obsession, physical compulsion, and spiritual bankruptcy.

It’s not just a thought. It’s an obsession.

The addicted person’s develops a compulsion and obsession about the substance; ways to obtain it, consume it and to feed the habit. Unfortunately this compulsion is often put before everything else.

Loved ones frequently develop their own obsession. Instead of a substance, it is the substance user that becomes the focus of attention and family resources. This is not pathology. It’s a person or persons trying to regain a sense of control. It is a fear that tragedy will befall the loved one and sometimes the fear that others will find out.

The mental preoccupation for individuals prone to addiction starts slow at first. As it progresses it becomes an all-consuming pull toward the substance: How can I get it? When can I use it? This is accompanied by the need to rationalize or excuse the behavior: They will never know. I’ll stop tomorrow. This will be my last time, everyone else does it. I’m in control, I can stop whenever I want to; I just don’t want to.

The same symptom occurs to the person affected by someone else’s addiction. They become preoccupied with the addicted individual: Where are they going? Will they be safe? When will they be home? There are often games played and scores kept, in order to control their loved one. Although this a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, it often does not promote change and can sometimes turn into chronic care taking, excuse making, and rescuing people from their consequences. People change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change.

It’s not just a feeling. It’s a compulsion.

The mental obsession is fueled by a physical compulsion. Compulsion is described as the feeling of anxiety, despair, and dread to use the substance. It is the itch that you must scratch. The brain begins to believe that: I will not be OK unless I have it.

A similar feeling takes place in the family member. I have heard countless stories of children waiting at the window for their alcoholic parent to come home, parent’s with sleepless nights worrying about their child, and spouse’s not feeling okay until they know their loved one is alright. The compulsion becomes background noise never allowing the person to ever feel at peace. This is also accompanied by rationalizations: I can save them, If I just don’t set them off, they will stop, he is such a good kid, he is just going through a rough patch.

Spiritual bankruptcy: a loss of connection.

Spiritual bankruptcy can be defined as a life without direction, purpose, or meaning. The overall feeling is one of emptiness. What once brought the person joy; like hobbies, sports, dance, friends and family, are all replaced with confusion, chaos and broken the promises of addiction. Some would call it a secondhand life. A person who gets lost in someone else’s addiction, begins to lose their identity and direction in life, they forget about their own needs, passions, and goals, and can stop taking care of themselves, and begin to live their own secondhand life. They are left feeling resentful, exhausted, and powerless.

We cannot change something that we don’t see.

The reason we review these 3 components to addiction in the family is that acknowledging these patters can be the first step of changing them. Additionally, to determine the intergenerational impact of addiction. Is someone’s past addiction impacting how you think in current relationships? Maybe this pattern of thinking and feeling influences the partners you choose? Are you dealing with difficult relationship patterns and struggles? When we make a change in the present, it doesn’t change the past, but it does change the way our past influences our future.

There is hope.

So, what’s next? Try tapping into your resources; friends, family, a counselor. Addiction grows stronger in a closed system; break the silence, tell someone and get some feedback. Utilize some of your self-care techniques again, put your needs first sometimes, and set healthy boundaries. Ask yourself “if I was not thinking about them, what would I be thinking about or what would I be doing? Try out an Al-Anon meeting, support group or seek out professional help. It is very common for family members to seek out the support of a therapist as a result of someone’s addiction. Small steps lead to big changes and above all, remember that there is hope!